Let's get started
Max: God, I'd like to say what a privilege it is to have this opportunity to chat with you. I'm sure you've spoken to others here, but I think this is probably the first time you've spoken on the record.
God: Thank you. I must say it is true I've spoken to a few people on Earth from time to time, but it's probably not the people you'd think. Most of my conversations with earthlings have gone unreported.
M: Really? Can you give me an example?
G: Well, quite some time ago in your terms, I got kind of frustrated with a caveman, as you would call him, who was fumbling about trying to spear a fish. He didn't have the intelligence to see that water bends light, so he would constantly miss the fish. One day while watching him miss again and again, I waited until he was about to throw his spear and then yelled, "Hey, dumbass!" It was just enough to alter his throw by a few inches so that he speared a beauty of a salmon. Fortunately he saw how his spear pierced the water away from the fish's image yet still hit it. He learned to shoot a little low after that, but he still cringed every time he did it. I might have yelled at him a little too loudly.
M: That's intriguing, but can you give me a more contemporary example of speaking to humans?
G: Did you see Derek Jeter of the Yankees go five for five in the American League Division Series? I was whispering in his ear all night. Take this pitch, hit that one. I love baseball. Wish I'd invented it.
M: Why would you interfere with a baseball game? Don't you have more important things to do?
G: That's the biggest misconception about me, that I'm only interested in the pursuit of the most honorable works. God's work, as they say. Well, I may not be human, but I do like to enjoy myself from time to time. Baseball happens to be my favorite earthly form of entertainment, so I help out on occasion. Why else do you think the Yankees have such a great record?
M: But they lost in the first round in four games this season.
G: I had to go out of town.
M: Okay. What do you do when you're out of town?
G: Hey, the universe is a big place. Actually, your universe is really just a tiny piece of the big picture, so I've got a lot of territory to cover. Most of it is undeveloped so far, but I'm working on a lot of interesting systems right now.
M: Explain, please. Are you saying that you have more than one Earth-like planet?
G: What I like to do is start life in a wide variety of chemical and physical environments and see how they do. It's my hobby. I have to admit that in a lot of ways Earth is probably my best result so far, but you've come a long way recently and I am concerned that you will crash and burn pretty soon. I've had a lot of promising projects, but so far none have been as promising as Earth has. At some point something always goes wrong and everything has to start over. Usually it's some cosmic accident, like a stray comet collision but I've had a few that just went haywire unexpectedly. You know, disease can be a real bummer. Heck, disease almost got Earth a few of your centuries back. You called it The Plague.
M: So we've come the farthest of any other planet?
G: No. I had another couple that got a little further before they started tossing molecular transformations at one another. Boy, that can mess things up in a hurry.
M: So you don't interfere with the development of a planet?
G: Not with any regularity. I let planets go unattended for millenia at a time. Why shoud I interfere with evolution? That's part of the fun. It's only when the development gets to some advanced level that I like to stop by more often. Things are more entertaining.
M: Is that why you're here - to be entertained?
G: Absolutely. Things are developing so fast here on Earth lately that I don't want to miss anything. I figure Earth hasn't got much time left. Sooner or later it will self-destruct, either through the untethered actions of a major power or the accidental unleashing of a deadly disease.
M: Wouldn't you step in to interfere?
G: That's not my style. If Earth can't make it on its own, then maybe some other planet will. I've got a million of them started and nothing but time. You guys are on your own.
God: Thank you. I must say it is true I've spoken to a few people on Earth from time to time, but it's probably not the people you'd think. Most of my conversations with earthlings have gone unreported.
M: Really? Can you give me an example?
G: Well, quite some time ago in your terms, I got kind of frustrated with a caveman, as you would call him, who was fumbling about trying to spear a fish. He didn't have the intelligence to see that water bends light, so he would constantly miss the fish. One day while watching him miss again and again, I waited until he was about to throw his spear and then yelled, "Hey, dumbass!" It was just enough to alter his throw by a few inches so that he speared a beauty of a salmon. Fortunately he saw how his spear pierced the water away from the fish's image yet still hit it. He learned to shoot a little low after that, but he still cringed every time he did it. I might have yelled at him a little too loudly.
M: That's intriguing, but can you give me a more contemporary example of speaking to humans?
G: Did you see Derek Jeter of the Yankees go five for five in the American League Division Series? I was whispering in his ear all night. Take this pitch, hit that one. I love baseball. Wish I'd invented it.
M: Why would you interfere with a baseball game? Don't you have more important things to do?
G: That's the biggest misconception about me, that I'm only interested in the pursuit of the most honorable works. God's work, as they say. Well, I may not be human, but I do like to enjoy myself from time to time. Baseball happens to be my favorite earthly form of entertainment, so I help out on occasion. Why else do you think the Yankees have such a great record?
M: But they lost in the first round in four games this season.
G: I had to go out of town.
M: Okay. What do you do when you're out of town?
G: Hey, the universe is a big place. Actually, your universe is really just a tiny piece of the big picture, so I've got a lot of territory to cover. Most of it is undeveloped so far, but I'm working on a lot of interesting systems right now.
M: Explain, please. Are you saying that you have more than one Earth-like planet?
G: What I like to do is start life in a wide variety of chemical and physical environments and see how they do. It's my hobby. I have to admit that in a lot of ways Earth is probably my best result so far, but you've come a long way recently and I am concerned that you will crash and burn pretty soon. I've had a lot of promising projects, but so far none have been as promising as Earth has. At some point something always goes wrong and everything has to start over. Usually it's some cosmic accident, like a stray comet collision but I've had a few that just went haywire unexpectedly. You know, disease can be a real bummer. Heck, disease almost got Earth a few of your centuries back. You called it The Plague.
M: So we've come the farthest of any other planet?
G: No. I had another couple that got a little further before they started tossing molecular transformations at one another. Boy, that can mess things up in a hurry.
M: So you don't interfere with the development of a planet?
G: Not with any regularity. I let planets go unattended for millenia at a time. Why shoud I interfere with evolution? That's part of the fun. It's only when the development gets to some advanced level that I like to stop by more often. Things are more entertaining.
M: Is that why you're here - to be entertained?
G: Absolutely. Things are developing so fast here on Earth lately that I don't want to miss anything. I figure Earth hasn't got much time left. Sooner or later it will self-destruct, either through the untethered actions of a major power or the accidental unleashing of a deadly disease.
M: Wouldn't you step in to interfere?
G: That's not my style. If Earth can't make it on its own, then maybe some other planet will. I've got a million of them started and nothing but time. You guys are on your own.
posted by Grog at 8:28 PM
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